If it’s okay with you, I’d like to step up on my soapbox and rant about a few things that truly upset me.
Apologies if this isn’t the appropriate place to do this, but I’m fed up and I have to let out my anger somewhere.
My aim here isn’t to “divide the room,” but I have a feeling my opinions are going to piss off a few of you.
Still, I must. Here goes.
I f’n hate those “watch my dog eat a giant plate of food” videos.
Stop making me watch your pet eat a better meal than me.
These dogs get to wolf down a first class platter stacked with quail eggs and boiled shrimp and thick cuts of beef and chicken and tofu, meanwhile I’m adding a raw egg to my boiling ramen noodles so I can pretend I ordered Chinese takeout.
F you, glutton dogs.
Also, not to get political, but . . .
I can’t stand “video clips that end right before the payoff.”
Seriously???
Did you really just make me watch you stack all those cylinders for fifty-eight seconds and then cut out right before I get to see you balancing on top of them?
F you, street clown.
And did you really just have me listen to that gorgeous smoky baritone belt out “I am woman,” and then end the clip right before you show me his face?
F you, The Voice.
You people are like if pornos ended right after the guy delivers the pizza.
Finally, not to ruffle even more feathers . . .
I abso-f’n-lutely despise these “watch me react to someone else’s video” videos.
Just STOP.
You’re really gonna split the damn screen in half and make me stare at your fat head watching the same video I’m watching?
I’m trying to enjoy Jordan Peterson breaking down the “evil male patriarchy myth,” but I’ve gotta watch you continuously pointing over at him, like I need you to tell me which parts are important and which are Canadian?
Stop nodding your head like a broken bobblehead, like I need your help with what I should agree with.
F you, influencers.
Back in my day we called you what you really are:
paid commercial actors.
To end on a positive note . . .
I absolutely love “unlikely animal friends” videos, the ones where a duck and a formerly homeless goat become besties, or where the blind cow depends on her seeing-eye squirrel.
And I love watching “first amendment auditor” videos, mostly to see how various people pronounce the phrase “reasonable articulable suspicion.” (It’s what keeps me out of THAT game.)
And finally, I LOVE the “seatbelt psychic,” the Uber driver who tells his passengers about the dead people he senses in the car.
“I’m getting a spirit named Pops who says he’s sorry he thought his parachuting classes were a good idea.”
All right, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Have a funny weekend.
Mike.
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