Free Advice from Pops McGrumpyFace: Summer Work

Wake up, Lars, you sound like a dimwit.

First off, congrats on getting canned for being too dumb to game plan a free flick in a dark theater for your side lay.

Your brain sounds impressive the way a sponge sounds loud.

How someone with such limited ingenuity got accepted into any college tells me exactly how desperate these antiquated institutions have become.

One of my summer jobs at your age was at a salt mine, Lars, and guess what? Unlike you, it only took me two shifts of pounding salt to figure out how to hook my family up with free salt.

Also unlike you, I never got caught, maybe because I didn’t have bloated goat turds crammed between my ears.

Your real problem, Lars, is that apparently you’re a terrible lay since this boss that you were obviously banging went all Benedict Arnold on you.

Serves you right for pouring your hot melted butter into the company popcorn.

Now you want me to tell you what someone with your kind of smarts can do to make summer money?

Hah, that’s easy, plenty of good jobs for your mental type – you could sell the golf balls you find in the pond at whatever nearby golf course you can sneak into; you could be a back alley hooker who specializes in nerd quickies; you could become a traveling hobo who sells hand jobs to the homeless.

Tell you what, Lars, the fact that it’s 2023 and you still think you need to go to college tells me everything I need to know about your big picture view.

Like a dwarf at the back end of a Walmart checkout line, you have zero forward vision.

Otherwise you’d know that borrowing a hundred thousand clams to go to some old fashioned brick and mortar university for four years to learn from people who are no longer doing the thing you want to do is the biggest waste of time and money since 3.2 beer.

Save yourself the hassle and enroll at Google U. Then use what little brains you have and visit their YouTube campus. Hell, everything you need to know about everything is online for free nowadays. But maybe since you suck at getting away with free stuff, Lars, you’re better off going into debt for the next forty-five years.

I’ll tell you what my old man told me when I asked him how I could make money during the summer:

“Pound salt, asshole.”

Best advice I ever got.

Spending a full summer being miserable makes a man out of you. Tar roofs, haul gravel, shovel shit, do a job that makes you so unhappy that for the rest of your life you’ll have something to remind you of how bad it could be.  

That way, after your shift when you get shitfaced drunk and your old lady screams at you for puking in her bin of clean laundry again, you’ll understand clearly how things could be a whole helluva lot worse.

It’s called the University of Perspective, Lars. The tuition’s free but only if you have the balls to attend.

Maybe find yours and give it a shot.

Now get the hell off my porch, dumbnuts,

Pops