3/14/23 - Tuesday
Dear Pops,
I’m about to be a first-time father – it’s a boy!
As you can probably guess, I’m super excited about the life-changing journey ahead of me.
Wondering if you had any good suggestions for bonding with my infant son.
I’ve read that it’s in those first few months that the true father-son bonds form.
Thanks!
Charley T.
Boston, MA
Wake up, Charley, you sound like a dimwit.
Only a twelve-year-old gets “super excited” about anything, let alone having a damn baby.
Goddamn right your life’s about to change.
Kiss your social calendar goodbye, idiot. Tell your scotch-drinking buddies you’ll see them again in eighteen years. Tell your girlfriend she’s gotta go back to being a hooker.
‘Cause you’ll be too busy kissing this baby’s ass and scraping up its shit on some level or another for the next two decades to have any more adult fun.
Believe me, babies shit, Charley, they pump it out like the devil’s soft serve.
That’s because those little fuckers eat all day, and guess who’s buying all those apple slices and green beans and organic animal crackers?
It’s you, Charley boy. Hope your wallet’s as fat as your homebound belly’s about to get.
No time for golf or the gym now, ya dumb ass, you just traded all that in for playing backyard catch with someone who sucks at it.
Are you also “super-excited” this kid’s gonna be born clueless?
He won’t know shit, Charley. He’s a just dumb baby. He’ll know nothing.
He won’t walk, or talk, he has no clue how to boil water or why Friday’s better than Monday.
Get ready to spend half your fucking day explaining some of the most basic shit imaginable to him, like how to not wear your pants backwards and that fire’s hot and that “I can’t see the TV through your fat fucking head.”
And as far as wanting suggestions for bonding with the kid.
You make me laugh, Charley – you really think you’ll have access to that baby?
Ya nitwit, you’re the man, nobody wants you near the baby.
How about, good luck getting your old lady to trust your drunk ass holding that kid, let alone being alone with it.
Your job, pally, is to wait until he’s old enough to need his ass kicked for thinking he knows better than you. But be careful because someone might have taught him to punch, and you might be too drunk to block it and get your jaw broken. And they won’t let you drink your damn scotch in the hospital!
Anyway, Charley, I’ll close with something my old man told me when he found out my first wife and I were going to have a baby and that he was going to be a grandpa for the first time:
“Tag, you’re it, sucker.”
He was right.
You’re it, Charley. You’re the dad now.
Suck it up and get it done.
Now get off my brain,
Pops
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