*** Warning: these notes are for personal and private use only ***
Monday, April 17, 2023
From the Desk of Klaus Terrance Corbin, MD
Initial Notes – regarding new client:
- Name: America the Country
- Nickname: Uncle Sam
- Birth Date: 7/4/1776
- Age: 247-years
- Weight: 76 billion collective pounds (<<< possible obesity situation)
- Height: @ 5’ 9”
- Health Plan: out-of-pocket
- At his initial consultation, America told check-in specialist (Claudia) that he’s been suffering from major depression and social anxiety mixed with violent tendencies
- symptoms include unchecked weight gain, financial struggles, difficulty with business and personal relationships, unbalanced priorities, loss of purpose
- has never been to psychotherapist prior, has expressed doubts about the process, said it was for “wimps and celebrities”
- Possible unresolved parental issues, narcissism, in denial of a guilt-complex.
Transcript of today’s session:
Dr. Klaus Terrance Corbin: Uncle Sam, good to see you, come on in. Make yourself comfortable.
America: Hiya, Doc, long time no see, huh? Geezus, smells like a cranberry farted in here.
KTC: Apologies. That’s the Febreze.
A: Whew, that stuff could burn a hole in the ozone. Not that I’d stop you from doing that. Heh heh.
KTC: You don’t believe in protecting the environment?
A: Eh, been there, done that, tired of leading the pack and paying for everything like a sucker.
KTC: That’s understandable.
A: Goddamn right it is, Doc. You can’t get the Chinese and the Indians – the ones from India, not ours – to stop spittin’ out that CO2. They churn that shit out like black cotton candy. If they don’t care, why should we?
KTC: Tell me, Uncle Sam, does leading the world in that way make you uncomfortable?
A: Sheeyit. If by uncomfortable you mean pissed off, then hell yeah, I’m majorly uncomfortable. As in sweaty balls on a hot vinyl car seat uncomfortable.
KTC: Explore that anger, America.
A: What’s to explore? A sucker’s born every minute and nice guys finish last. I’m tired of being the world’s biggest sucker. Why do I gotta do the right thing, trapping wind and solar like some desperate Naked and Afraid punk, while everybody else in the world is having a grand old time burning coal and oil, selling smack and hookers, and making beaucoup money?
KTC: Sometimes leadership requires sacrifice.
A: No shit, Sherlock. You don’t think I’ve been sacrificing my ass off? You know how many fat military contracts I’ve had to drop because the internet got everybody all soft on war? Let’s just say that there a few South American nations that should thank Google and YouTube for forcing us to let them keep their valuables.
KTC: Talk about that for a bit.
A: Well, we can’t kill foreigners for their oil and diamonds anymore. Not without everyone pissing and moaning about civilian casualties and mommy and daddy soldiers missing Christmas back home. That one viral video of the drunk baby kissing the returning soldier-daddy at the airport absolutely destroyed our Afghanistan money maker.
KTC: Good Lord. Was the baby really drunk?
A: That f’n toddler was hammered. It’s hilarious. I’ll text you the link after our session.
KTC: Can you tell me how this major shift in military policy has affected you as a county?
A: Well, I’m having to make ends meet in other ways.
KTC: Do you consider that a bad thing?
A: I don’t know, Doc, you tell me. They got me doing sports betting and selling weed right now. I swore I’d never get to that point but I gotta make ends meet somehow.
KTC: How do you feel about those activities perhaps enabling addictive behavior and putting financial stress on families?
A: To be honest, none of that crossed my mind because I’ve been too busy cashing all those fat weed checks and making billions in gambling bank.
KTC: So it’s about the money?
A: Oh, grow up, doc. Why else would I let my people bet on fixed games and legally smoke up?
KTC: There are actually scientifically proven health benefits to marijuana and CBC oil.
A: Sorry, I’m sort of meh on science these days.
KTC: You do realize that science is an area where you actually are number one in the world?
A: Yeah, but a lot of these new findings go against my beliefs in God.
KTC: Wait, I have you listed as Agnostic.
A: Eh. That was the old me. The new me is thinking a lot about Jesus and shit.
KTC: Isn’t part of your claim to fame a division of church and state?
A: That’s bullshit. Fake news.
KTC: Those are literally the words of your founding fathers.
A: Look, Doc, there are a lot of crazy Socialists out there right now trying to do Socialist things to make me more Socialist. God and Jesus are my only protection from all that.
KTC: Talk more about what you mean by Socialist.
A: You know, giving an f- about all the losers who slip through the cracks. Not my problem.
KTC: Are you referring to the underprivileged and the handicapped and the sick and elderly?
A: Exactly. All unemployed losers. These Socialists want me to give free money to those deadbeats and immigrants instead of forcing them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps like my founding fathers did.
KTC: I believe most of your founding fathers created their wealth using slaves.
A: Potayta, potahtah, Doc, I’m f’n America and we’re f’n Americans. We’re all in the same boat so nobody deserves a handout.
KTC: Wouldn’t a more apt metaphor be that we’re all in the same storm, but some of us are in yachts, others in canoes, and still others don’t even have a boat?
A: Yeah, I saw that meme, too, Doc, but I’m still totally against that kind of Socialism. I bet ten-to-one that my Jesus would feel the same way.
KTC: Hm. We’re about out time here….
A: I know, I know, it’s time for me to pay for your 10-minute mental break between sessions.
KTC: Do you not believe in taking a moment to rest your mind?
A: Eh, I don’t go for that loopy Oprah woo woo shit, no offense Doc. I don’t believe it’s good for you to quiet your mind or question your inner thoughts. Let them roll, otherwise it costs billions in restitution and equality measures, believe me. My inner thoughts are rolling right now. They’re telling me that as soon as I leave here I’m rolling myself a fatty and snagging some Mickey D’s.
KTC: I’ll see you again next week.
A: Not if I see you first, Doc. I’m just fucking with you.
KTC: Good day, America.
A: Time to get fucked up.
Final Notes: patient’s narcissistic tendencies coupled with a denial of whatever reality doesn’t line up with his preconceived notions all getting worse. His crudeness and selfish immaturity overwhelm any good he tries to do. America has difficulty tapping into his feelings and valuing anything other than maximizing his profits and buzz. Hypocritical tendencies: uses religion when it suits him but ignores it when it gets in the way of his power or money, then refers to it as ‘Socialism.’ Truly a unique case.
Personal note – Claudia, the cranberry Febreeze isn’t cutting it, pls. use more petty cash to purchase white vinegar and half a gallon of kerosine.
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