*** Warning: these notes are for personal and private use only ***
Monday, March 23, 2023
From the Desk of Klaus Terrance Corbin, MD
Initial Notes – regarding new client:
- Name: America the Country
- Nickname: Uncle Sam
- Birth Date: 7/4/1776
- Age: 247-years
- Weight: 76 billion collective pounds (<<< possible obesity situation)
- Height: @ 5’ 9”
- Health Plan: out-of-pocket
- At his initial consultation, America told check-in specialist (Claudia) that he’s been suffering from major depression and social anxiety mixed with violent tendencies
- symptoms include unchecked weight gain, financial struggles, difficulty with business and personal relationships, unbalanced priorities, loss of purpose
- has never been to psychotherapist prior, has expressed doubts about the process, said it was for “wimps and celebrities”
- Possible unresolved parental issues, narcissism, in denial of a guilt-complex.
Transcript of today’s session:
Klaus T Corbin: Hello, America, welcome to my office. Please make yourself at home.
America: This couch is hell-a comfortable, Doc, love the plush full-grain leather. Charolais?
KTC: Yes, you know your leather, excellent. I’m glad it suits you.
A: Goddamn right I know my leather. Got 94.4 million heads of cattle and calves on my property. And that doesn’t even count the milk cows, got millions of those, too, all over my land. Fuckin’ A right I know my leather.
KTC: That’s impressive.
A: Goddamn right it is. I do almost 20% of the worlds’ beef, Doc. Huge share of that market.
KTC: Hm.
A: Hm what? What was the “hm” for? You judging me for being successful in the cattle biz? For being proud that I done good? Bet I make more than you in a year.
KTC: America, do you feel the need to impress me?
A: What? No, I’m just telling you like it is, Doc. I pulled in $25.5 trillion in GDP last year. That’s with a ‘T,’ not a ‘B,’ Einstein. What’d you make?
KTC: Tell me why you’re here, America.
A: Eh, I don’t know. If you want to know the truth, it’s against my will. My new administration thought it might be a good idea for me to “seek help” after what I’ve just been though. They’re into this kinda crap.
KTC: But you don’t think you need my help? Or therapy?
A: Hell no, Doc. No offense, but I didn’t become the best country in the entire goddamn world by seeing shrinks and crying about my problems on a sweet Charolais settee. I did it by pulling myself up by my bootstraps and working my buttes off. Heh. Get it? Buttes? It’s a topography joke.
KTC: Is that how you see yourself, America, as the best country in the world?
A: It’s not just how I see myself, Doc, it’s how the world sees me.
KTC: Hm.
A: There’s that goddamn “hm” again. What?
KTC: You say you’re the best in the world. What makes you believe that?
A: Oh, I don’t know, a little something called statistics? Google it. I’m the best country in the world.
KTC: Actually, Uncle Sam … may I call you that?
A: Huh? Yeah sure, go for it.
KTC: I did look it up before you arrived, Uncle Sam. According to the U.S. News & World Report’s yearly Best Countries Ranking, Switzerland is currently number one in the world.
A: Of course they are, they’ve got hot chocolate and fondue. But the U.S. is number two on that list I bet.
KTC: No. Number two is Germany. Then Canada. Then you.
A: Wait, that list says I’m only the fourth best country in the world?
KTC: Yes, it does.
A: Bullshit. Fake news.
KTC: How does being in fourth place make you feel? That’s not even a bronze medal, is it?
A: Makes me feel like you and that U.S. News and World of Bullshit better recount those goddamn votes.
KTC: What if they are correct? How would that make you feel?
A: Like somebody better read a history book and get their facts right. Do you know how many jets I own? Ever heard of rock and roll or the blues? That’s me!
KTC: You’re not telling me how that makes you feel, America. Why is that?
A: F my feelings, F your feelings, and F this pleather couch.
KTC: That’s hostile. You’re angry.
A: G-damn right I’m angry. I’m sick and tired of everybody telling me how much I suck when I’m the best goddamn country in the world.
KTC: Fourth.
A: F you.
KTC: Your anger is understandable, America. You are allowed to feel it. However, it’s my job is to help you delve further. It’s only by getting to the root of your anger that you will ever be able to let it go and move on.
A: Oh, you don’t even want to know what pisses me off, Doc.
KTC: Actually, I do, but unfortunately we’ve run out time.
A: Wait. My watch says that was only 50 minutes and I paid for a damn hour.
KTC: That’s just the way it’s done so that I can get a quick mental break between clients.
A: What, so I gotta pay you to go on break? Now you sound like the goddamn unions.
KTC: We’ll pick this up again when I see you next week.
A: Not if I can help it.
KTC: You don’t think you’ll make your appointment?
A: I’m just busting your nuts, Doc, relax. I’ll be here. Otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it from my entire left side.
KTC: Very well, I’ll see you then.
A: You got your work cut out for you, Doc, I’ve been an emotional mess ever since my middle class went missing.
KTC: Perhaps, but you’re taking the first step by coming here. That’s a wonderful thing you’re doing for yourself.
A: That’s what she said.
KTC: I’m sorry, who said?
A: That’s what…aw hell, it’s an old joke. From the Office? Steve Carell? Forget it.
KTC: We’ll talk more about that next week.
A: Whatever, Doc. Smell you later.
KTC: Good day, America.
Final Notes: patient seems to suffer from narcissistic tendencies coupled by a denial of whatever reality does not line up with his preconceived notions. There is a crudeness and immaturity to him that he uses to distance himself from me and from recognizing the truth. America has trouble expressing his feelings and hearing critical feedback. Suffers from a need to impress and dominate. Highly focused on money and social hierarchy.
Personal note – patient smelled strongly of marijuana, alcohol, and French fries. (Claudia, use petty cash to purchase a Febreze, pls.)
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