As the Lukas Household’s only resident morning person, one of my favorite jobs is to wake up everybody else. That, and cleaning hair clumps out of the shower drain and washing all the peanut butter off the knives.
“Good Morning! It’s gonna be a great day!”
Nothing easier than breaking the news to my comatose wife and two drunken children that it’s time to do something they hate – which is to suddenly not sleep.
Still not sure how to get the job done, but I did think of five ways I definitely shouldn’t.
1) Pre-Breakfast Karaoke
One of the worst ways to wake up your loved ones is with some of your favorite songs from the past, the ones with high notes you have difficulty reaching. Do NOT belt out: 99 Red Balloons (the German version), or YMCA (while moving their limbs to spell it out), or Phil Collins’s ‘In the Air Tonight’ (while executing Phil’s infamous drum ride using metal forks and cookie sheets). Just don’t.
2) Stinks in Here
Yes, certain smells are tough to sleep through, whether it’s foul milk at the bottom of a cup placed by their nose or a Dutch oven that you ‘heat up’ for them, but that’s never okay. You love them, so resist making it impossible for them to take the deep breaths required of sleepers. Never peel hard boiled eggs in their room; refrain from cutting up a raw onion by their pillow; and don’t ever give them a moldy cheese moustache to wear.
3) The Louis Armstrong Treatment
When your sleepy family refuses to rise, do NOT treat them to any of Satchmo’s loudest riffs on your shiny brass trumpet or clarinet or tuba. For those of you who are hornless, don’t use your kazoo or tin whistle or party horn instead. Never grab a big pot and a wooden spoon and do your Drumline solo.
4) Spider in the Bed
A good parent never lies to their child so don’t shake their sleepy blankets and yell, “Spider on your pillow, holy crap, it’s one of the deadly ones.” Likewise, don’t ever throw a handful of actual spiders into their bed to help them wake. Cancel your trip to the local bait shop, this option is off the table.
5) Swatting the Sleeper
No matter how desperate you get to wake up your stubborn family, never drive to a public phone booth and call the local SWAT team to tell them where the child serial killer lives. Do NOT force law enforcement to wake up your sleepy babes with a series of loudly stated questions. And never tell the SWAT commander, “Sorry, no serial killers here, officer, just cereal killers. Speaking of which, it’s breakfast time. Won’t you join us?”
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